Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
