The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
