You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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