my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you never un-have a 4some
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
