As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
