Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
