Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We need to get me chipped asap
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
