Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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