im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
