dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
