i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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