You're completely useless in the revolution.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
