Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
