i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
