Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the condom got lost in my hair
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
