We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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