Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
