The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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