I want to walk on stilts...naked
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
