Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
