i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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