dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
