OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
