Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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