I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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