I could have mohawked her pubes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
