I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
