I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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