She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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