So drunk its hurt
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
