He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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