last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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