He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
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She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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