We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
