I've blown a few things in my day
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
