Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
