Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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