Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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