I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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