Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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