in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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