just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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