I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
