he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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