Don't you send me to vm
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
