Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
