I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
