I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
