Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just found puke in my bra..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
