I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
two words...techno handjob
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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