I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
