yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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