this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
