Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
