Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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