dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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