I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
