She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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