Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
